Self Love: I Love Me...I Think...I Should...

About 2 months ago as I struggled in a toxic, unproductive relationship, I began the search of why I was depressed. I had dealt with depression since I was 15, but never really understood why. I just made a concerted effort to push any thoughts of negativity out of my mind when I felt a dark cloud approaching. But within the last 6 months this approach no longer was working for me. I needed to do more work. I needed to find the root of the issue.

Why was I sad? I had done well for myself, as a girl who had her first child at the age of 16, still managing to graduate at the top of her class, obtain a college degree and have decent success in the corporate world. What was causing me to break down at the thought of a relationship not working? Why was I allowing a person to speak to me in a negative way and deflect all of their issues on to me? What was happening here? 

Good job, check. Healthy children, check. Relationship with God, could be better, but check! Supportive family, check. Wait...all except for my relationship with God were external things. I wasn't going deep enough. Why was I sad? Why was I allowing someone to talk down to me? Who allows someone to speak down to them and then accepts their apology? The answer came to me. A person with very low self-esteem. A person that may not love them self. Whoa, whoa...I love me...I think...I should...

I had an "Aha moment," as Oprah would say. I always knew I struggled with confidence, but I didn't recognize my lack of love for myself. Because if I loved myself, there is no way I would be second guessing the ending of an unproductive relationship. This person was no longer serving me in a positive way. I needed to place an order of "self love" quickly and I needed it to be delivered under the Amazon Prime delivery standards. Lol. Unfortunately, something that had taken 34 years to develop, couldn't be fixed in 2 business days. Life doesn't work like that. 

I'm a fix it person. Deep diver, researcher. Once I know what I need to fix, I'm trying to fix it. Give me a task list and I want to resolve your issue. So, about 4 weeks ago, right before the true ending of my last relationship I made a huge investment in myself to get a life coach. It was pricey, it was gutsy. Honestly, the only reason I did it. as it was a stretch from a monetary perspective, was because my ex had promised me a large sum of money...just because. We won't get into how that worked in this post. Yet, because I was expecting that money, which never came, I invested in myself and the lessons have been amazing. 

With that investment I began the work of learning to love me. I never loved me!!!! It's funny to even say or type. I was always a mom and so many other things, but loving me? Nah, who had time for that. See, when you don't love yourself you can accept negative things. You accept disrespect. You accept disappointment. You accept discouragement. But when you love yourself, you EXPECT respect, you EXPECT good things to happen, and you REJECT discouragement. I had lowered my expectations and now it was catching up to me!

Working through depression and not loving yourself to me is like running in quicksand. So, I'm completely unfamiliar with quicksand other than what I've seen in movies. Can I get really specific?Never Ending Story. The horse, Artax that dies in the Swamp of Sadness?! Omg, that got dark really fast. Let me "recalculate" and change the direction of this post. Sorry, I suffer from depression. Ok, let's walk towards the light, come on, come on, we got this, follow me. My point...who really wants to run in some type of mud substance and make no progress? 

Therefore, what I have determined is that I have to love me! I can't be insecure. I have to be confident. I have to tell myself I am confident and that I love myself. I actually have this board I made that shows all the things I believe that I am and I read all of them every morning, after I pray, before I even approach the day. Today, you HAVE to decide to love yourself. Like I said in my last post, it's an INTENTIONAL DECISION!!! Waking up every morning and reading my "I Am," affirmation statements and my personal mantra, that's intentional. And you CAN NOT just do this on the bad days and you CAN NOT just do this on the good days. 

See what happens here is that you declare these statements, you believe them and you cultivate a desire within yourself to want to be better. Because see, bad days happen. Days, we just didn't count on performing they way they perform. But you have to equip yourself to better manage these days and that comes from loving yourself. 

Can you decide to love yourself today? Can you decide to make an intentional effort to love yourself? What is something that you will do every morning to build your self love? Leave a comment. Share some ideas on how to increase self love. 

Please visit the Lovelee Motivation Facebook Page to receive daily motivations and inspiration.

P.S. If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).