Acknowledge Your Path...

Doing this blog I feel like I am on a tightrope and I could fall off at any moment. There is a part of me that wants to live in only the positive and provide all these awesome words of encouragement and motivation. I want to tell you that everything could be changed just like "that" and that we should look to God to get us through it all. All of that is true, but I feel like in doing that I am doing a disservice to the power of depression. That I could some how make someone that is deep in their struggle with depression feel weak. There are times where I struggle. There are times where I feel weak.

So, this blog has me so perplexed and I have found myself spending a lot of time in prayer in order to properly deliver an authentic message from my heart. I don't want to do someone an injustice and provide story of gum drops and fairy tales, while at the same time I don't want to give the devil delight and make him feel like he is winning. But one thing I realized today, as I sat on my couch, crying and trying to pray and meditate on how to deal with my pain, I have to acknowledge my path. 

I do feel pain. I feel sad. I've cried quite a bit the last few days and it's been so frustrating. I've struggled to understand why things had to happen the way they did. Why I was placed in a position to hurt so much. I am just a mother trying to raise 3 children. Why do I have to go through this?  Was this a necessary process to show me how to love myself? As I traveled down that dark tunnel of questions and pain I wanted to cut for a second, to make those feelings go away. But I pushed through.

I went to my daily declarations that I had written in my journal earlier in the morning. One in particular resonated with me, Philippians 4:8, "Today I will think on those things that are true, honest, pure, lovely and of a good report." A lot of days can be a battlefield of the mind when dealing with depression. Everything has to be intentional. Sometimes I fall and cry, sit in a closet and just think on some of the negative things that are happening or have happened to me.  Then I pull myself together, and think on things that are true, honest, pure, lovely and of a good report. One thing I can't do is just sit in it. I can't sit in that puddle of misery for too long because that doesn't get me anywhere.

See, that's my path right now. I'm in the midst of this journey with depression. I'm winning. I tell myself #DepressionNoMore. Yet, thoughts can still come. They can creep up on me at the most unexpected times. In those moments we are allowed to feel what is happening, but we have to choose how to respond. We have the power to do that, we really do, but it can be exhausting.  Yet, the more we push through, the more that muscle of resilience is developed. I pushed through today and tomorrow is a new day and it will be even more amazing!

My point in this blog is that we don't have to rush through our struggle. I don't have to tell you a story of results that haven't occurred for me yet. I have to acknowledge my path.  It's in the journey that we learn the lesson, not at the end and certainly not the beginning. Take time today and acknowledge where you are and tell God thank you. Tell God thank you, because you are right where you are supposed to be in this moment.

Please visit the Lovelee Motivation Facebook Page to receive daily motivations and inspiration.

P.S. If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

Self Love: I Love Me...I Think...I Should...

About 2 months ago as I struggled in a toxic, unproductive relationship, I began the search of why I was depressed. I had dealt with depression since I was 15, but never really understood why. I just made a concerted effort to push any thoughts of negativity out of my mind when I felt a dark cloud approaching. But within the last 6 months this approach no longer was working for me. I needed to do more work. I needed to find the root of the issue.

Why was I sad? I had done well for myself, as a girl who had her first child at the age of 16, still managing to graduate at the top of her class, obtain a college degree and have decent success in the corporate world. What was causing me to break down at the thought of a relationship not working? Why was I allowing a person to speak to me in a negative way and deflect all of their issues on to me? What was happening here? 

Good job, check. Healthy children, check. Relationship with God, could be better, but check! Supportive family, check. Wait...all except for my relationship with God were external things. I wasn't going deep enough. Why was I sad? Why was I allowing someone to talk down to me? Who allows someone to speak down to them and then accepts their apology? The answer came to me. A person with very low self-esteem. A person that may not love them self. Whoa, whoa...I love me...I think...I should...

I had an "Aha moment," as Oprah would say. I always knew I struggled with confidence, but I didn't recognize my lack of love for myself. Because if I loved myself, there is no way I would be second guessing the ending of an unproductive relationship. This person was no longer serving me in a positive way. I needed to place an order of "self love" quickly and I needed it to be delivered under the Amazon Prime delivery standards. Lol. Unfortunately, something that had taken 34 years to develop, couldn't be fixed in 2 business days. Life doesn't work like that. 

I'm a fix it person. Deep diver, researcher. Once I know what I need to fix, I'm trying to fix it. Give me a task list and I want to resolve your issue. So, about 4 weeks ago, right before the true ending of my last relationship I made a huge investment in myself to get a life coach. It was pricey, it was gutsy. Honestly, the only reason I did it. as it was a stretch from a monetary perspective, was because my ex had promised me a large sum of money...just because. We won't get into how that worked in this post. Yet, because I was expecting that money, which never came, I invested in myself and the lessons have been amazing. 

With that investment I began the work of learning to love me. I never loved me!!!! It's funny to even say or type. I was always a mom and so many other things, but loving me? Nah, who had time for that. See, when you don't love yourself you can accept negative things. You accept disrespect. You accept disappointment. You accept discouragement. But when you love yourself, you EXPECT respect, you EXPECT good things to happen, and you REJECT discouragement. I had lowered my expectations and now it was catching up to me!

Working through depression and not loving yourself to me is like running in quicksand. So, I'm completely unfamiliar with quicksand other than what I've seen in movies. Can I get really specific?Never Ending Story. The horse, Artax that dies in the Swamp of Sadness?! Omg, that got dark really fast. Let me "recalculate" and change the direction of this post. Sorry, I suffer from depression. Ok, let's walk towards the light, come on, come on, we got this, follow me. My point...who really wants to run in some type of mud substance and make no progress? 

Therefore, what I have determined is that I have to love me! I can't be insecure. I have to be confident. I have to tell myself I am confident and that I love myself. I actually have this board I made that shows all the things I believe that I am and I read all of them every morning, after I pray, before I even approach the day. Today, you HAVE to decide to love yourself. Like I said in my last post, it's an INTENTIONAL DECISION!!! Waking up every morning and reading my "I Am," affirmation statements and my personal mantra, that's intentional. And you CAN NOT just do this on the bad days and you CAN NOT just do this on the good days. 

See what happens here is that you declare these statements, you believe them and you cultivate a desire within yourself to want to be better. Because see, bad days happen. Days, we just didn't count on performing they way they perform. But you have to equip yourself to better manage these days and that comes from loving yourself. 

Can you decide to love yourself today? Can you decide to make an intentional effort to love yourself? What is something that you will do every morning to build your self love? Leave a comment. Share some ideas on how to increase self love. 

Please visit the Lovelee Motivation Facebook Page to receive daily motivations and inspiration.

P.S. If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

Sharing Gifts Can be NERVE WRECKING!!!

Use your God-given gifts to serve others (1 Peter 4:10)

Wow, my second post! I'm going to be really authentic in this moment, but at the same time control my mindset in this moment. So, I have backspaced like 2 times, because I wanted to say "I am not a blogger, not a naturally vulnerable person, not normally an open book." But that kind of contradicts what's happening here, and the shift I am trying to make and the service I am trying to provide in this journey. I am writing this blog on Saturday night and I intend to launch this blog on Facebook and IG on Sunday, October 18th around noon. I am so nauseous!!! A matter of fact, only my best friend has read my first post, and she of course loved it, because she's my best friend and that's part of her job description "Encourage Sharonda during challenging moments, tell her nothing but good things, then snatch the rug from under her about 2-3 business days later regarding areas of improvement."

Why am I nervous? Because, I am normally very reserved and meticulous and I remember writing in my journal a couple weeks ago, that I went to "Perfectionist Prison" in middle school and I have just been released on parole in the last month. Lol. Perfectionism usually leaves you really guarded. Now people will know that I was depressed and I've battled depression for a long time and currently dealing with it. Because based on Facebook they wouldn't think that. Then I think about people that I have worked and how I always came across very "tightly wound." I am making every attempt not to call myself the B-word here, embrace it. Really I was just a shy person, extremely insecure and afraid of rejection.

Well, now I have to face all of that, leaving room for judgment. As I move through this blog, I'll have to face my relationship woes and my experiences in being in abusive relationships and not loving myself. Those are things I don't think anyone would expect.

I guess I know why I'm nervous, because people are about to meet me and the reality of my situation and my life. Yeah...I'm leaning in. I believe when something is placed on your heart and you don't act on it, you are doing yourself a disservice and being selfish.

Is there something you aren't acting on? A gift you are keeping to yourself and not sharing with the world? God, the universe, however you choose to frame it. I am a Christian, so I serve God. God doesn't provide us with gifts to hold hostage. So go ahead, Share Your Gift! It can be life changing. I'm curious to see where this will take me!

Please visit the Lovelee Motivation Facebook Page to receive daily motivations and inspiration.

P.S. If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

Lovelee Motivation...My Accountability Partner

Hello, my name is Sharonda and I am the creator and founder of Lovelee Motivation. Lovelee Motivation is a community created to inspire, motivate and empower individuals to step into the present and embrace a Grateful Attitude, Joyful Heart, and a Blessed Mentality. My purpose is to serve you with inspiring quotes, an authentic testimony of my battle with depression and a safe place for accountability for others who deal with mental illness. 

Just a little bit about me, I'm a photographer and mother of 3 that has battled depression since the age of 15. Throughout the years, I was able to confine all of my energy into my children, my education and my career, which allowed me to evade my thoughts of depression and self-mutilation, until November 2014.  After the painful end of a relationship, I was propelled into somewhat of a downward spiral. Completely unprepared for what was happening to me emotionally, this breakup seemed to strike my soul and I couldn't be strong. It was so overwhelming. And in November 2014 my battle with depression and cutting once again reared it's ugly head. 

As this blogging relationship grows I will divulge more about my past in cutting. Yeah, it's my past right  now because I haven't cut since September 20, 2015, after yet another painful relationship woe. So, Lovelee Motivation is not only here to serve you with beautiful images designed with motivational quotes around being grateful, joyful and blessed, it's my accountability partner. 

I don't want to cut anymore and I want to focus on the positive. It's all about a mindset and paradigm shift. Mental illness is a strange thing and is quite exhausting. It's not like we want to be sad, but we definitely have to exert a ton of energy to turn something around in our minds, in our souls, our hearts. Like I said, it's a paradigm shift that goes down to our subconscious mind. If only it were as easy as chanting an affirmation. Lol.

Therefore, I'm inviting you to embark on this journey with me of being present in all the beautiful things we have around us, sharing our stories, and growing as healthy individuals that truly love ourselves. I look forward to reading your comments, your stories and connecting with you on a deeper level!

Please visit the Lovelee Motivation Facebook Page to receive daily motivations and inspiration.

P.S. If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).